↓ Archives ↓

You’re welcome

Michael Steele (R)

Oh, my. It looks like a colorful expense report somehow leaked out yesterday to the media — and it belonged to the RNC. I just wanted to take a second out of my busy day to make sure that you guys understand what this is all about: simply put, it’s about stimulating — and titillating – the economy.

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I don’t feel so good

John McCain (R-AZ)

The Democrats have narrowly passed their apocalyptic healthcare bill, and I for one am starting to feel a little queasy. It is hard for me to visualize a worse possible outcome for America. I bet you are reeling as well. But beyond this heartfelt pain, you might also be asking yourself who the winners and the losers are today. If so, you’re in luck, my friends, because good ol’ John McCain is going to break it down for you.

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Patience is a virtue

Richard Shelby (R-AL)

Even though my great friend and colleague Chris Dodd wants to pass comprehensive financial reform as soon as possible, I would like to stress that this is not something to be taken lightly. After all, when you think about it, it has only been two years since the beginning of the financial meltdown — clearly, that’s just not enough time to figure out simple things like “the current regulatory scheme isn’t working.”

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Of horse and men

J.D. Hayworth (R-AZ)

One of the things I am eternally vigilant of, and thus think about often, is the possibility of a horse and a man getting hitched and then making sweet, sweet love all night long. Naturally, the only way to prevent such things from ever happening is to bar consenting adults from marrying each other — but only if they’re gay. You see, if we allow the homosexuals to get married, then we’re on a slippery slope — which is a fancy way of saying the road to hell.

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What would Jesus do?

Eric Cantor (R-VA)

While Vice President Biden was visiting Israel last week, Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu approved the building of sixteen hundred new homes in a settlement right smack in the middle of what Palestinians consider home. On hearing this news, Biden’s reaction was despicable: he had the gall to call these developments insulting and damaging to the peace process.

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First, kill all the lawyers

Liz Cheney (R)

One of the things my puppet organization, Keep America Safe, has been working on since last year is an investigation into the activities of Justice Department attorneys under the Obama administration. In short, some of these so-called “lawyers” had the nerve to offer counsel to detainees apprehended during the Bush administration.

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Bucks, not books

Scott Brown (R-MA)

The White House announced today that President Obama intends to overhaul No Child Left Behind, the school testing program that President Bush introduced in 2002. His plan calls for education reforms to make high schools better able to prepare students for college, to elevate the standards for academic achievement, and other such irrelevant fluff. Barack, let me tell you one thing: it’s the economy that matters, stupid.

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I am home with the brave

Karl Rove (R)

My new memoir, Courage and Consequence: My Life as a Conservative Mouthpiece, has just hit the shelves, and I am delighted that the public will finally get to see the real story behind the glorious days of the Bush administration. Now, don’t get me wrong, I realize there have been numerous apologist accounts of this period written from a highly-partisan perspective, but I believe I will have broken new ground by publishing the first one with a title that alliterates. There was Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and now there’ll be Courage and Consequence.

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Reconcile me this

Jon Kyl (R-AZ)

Last week I went on the record regarding my thoughts on Reconciliation. Essentially, Democrats want to use this process, also known as a simple majority vote, to pass their so-called healthcare bill. The use of this technique in this way is, quite simply, unprecedented. It’s irresponsible of Democrats to use this aberration, this monster, this atrocity that we now call the Nuclear Option, when we Republicans have only used it sixteen times.

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I am the Dark Knight

Michael Steele (R)

Last month we introduced a new theme for our campaigns here at the RNC, one in which we portray Obama as The Joker, a villain so unconscionable that he is driving the country directly into the clutches of socialism. I think it is a great, refreshing new theme, and to me it makes sense because I’ve always thought of myself as a brooding superhero. It begs the question, though: who is going to be my Robin?

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